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A friend, who prefers co-operative living, claimed in a discussion we had that living alone is unnatural. As someone who lives alone, I asked for his reasoning. There were two parts--1) human are socially interdependent beings and 2) 'living alone' is a recent phenomenon, our genes are not equipped for it, as they developed in an environment where we lived in groups. The first part, while definitely true, is somewhat orthogonal to the issue of living alone--barring hermitude, solo residents interact with others. The latter, well, was a more interesting claim, but one that's not backed up by any data whatsoever. Not that I could back up an opposing claim with data--I just didn't know of any archeological findings that dealt with early humans living alone. (If you know of any, please add them to the comments). One problem with the second part, though, is that even if there is historical evidence supporting the claim that humans only very recently lived alone, it's not proof of any natural-ness. A desire for "living alone" might have always been in our genotype, but only relatively recently has affluence allowed us to pursue that option. I think it's telling that, given an option for any number of living situations, a large number of people *choose* to live alone... That suggests a certain 'natural-ness' to me. The Web didn't turn up much on the subject. A brief article on "Living Alone in the 90s" features a telling graph--for people under the age of 35, rates of single residence plateaued in 1980, whereas for those older, they have continued to increase... Suggesting "living alone" is more often the result of divorce or widowing than anything else. There are some US Census numbers around the incidence of living alone, showing how it's drastically increased in the last 60 years, which, I suspect, is directly a result of our aging population. If anyone out there has pointers to research or data on this topic, I'd be most grateful if you posted them in the comments area.
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Comments:
COMMENT #1
Along the same lines, you might check out the book "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community" by Robert D. Putnam. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743203046/qid=996773910/sr=1-1/ref=sc_b_1/104-8943337-2433562) Here's a little "copy & paste" from a review: "The conclusions reached in the book Bowling Alone rest on a mountain of data gathered by Putnam and a team of researchers since his original essay appeared. Its breadth of information is astounding--yes, he really has statistics showing people are less likely to take Sunday picnics nowadays. Dozens of charts and graphs track everything from trends in PTA participation to the number of times Americans say they give "the finger" to other drivers each year. If nothing else, Bowling Alone is a fascinating collection of factoids." The question of living alone is part of it, but the book deals more with how we have become increasingly disconnected from one another and how social structures -- whether they be PTA, church, or political parties -- have disintegrated.
Posted by Jeff @ 08/02/2001 10:48 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #2
The only scientific thing I have read about living alone are figures indicating that married persons live longer than single persons and that persons with good friends live longer than loners. This latter item does ring true to me. As a person of many years, and counting, I have noticed that my friends and I have gained much health and medical knowledge to our advantage due to our comfort in discussing problems with each other. I think that persons who go it alone and suffer in silence probably suffer all the more. Natural vs unnatural, however, seems irrelevant, except as political leverage in trying to exert power over a situation, or simply to justify one's own living preference.
Posted by B.J. @ 08/02/2001 11:12 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #3
There is no doubt in my mind that *if* you can live with others you have a survival skill -- flexibility -- that gives you an edge over those who live alone. There is nothing quite so humbling as a struggle over which way to unroll the toilet paper. But is it a necessary struggle? Being part of a supportive network of friends is the key, whether you live with them or not. I say this as someone who has always admired the collective approach to home-sharing, but has never been able to live it. I can barely tolerate living with my husband, even though he's quite wonderful. No, I like my space and my time to think, even though I am a very social person. I think there's actually a dialectical relationship there: if you're really into people, you so totally wear yourself out being with them (coffeehouses, conferences, meetings, helping them move, listening to their tales of woe, celebrating their joys, etc.) that you desperately need your own little hole to crawl into every once in awhile. Still, one of my very favorite songs is Winston Rodney and Burning Spear's "Social Living," which goes, "Social living is the best ..."
Posted by Betsy @ 08/02/2001 11:40 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #4
Very interesting topic. I think that perhaps the increase in people *wanting* to live alone is a response to spending working days in cities with millions of strangers. Social living works best when you have some sort of relationship with the people you are in proximity to. You know them, you support each other to some degree and you share experiences. Today, however, I catch a train every day next to people I will probably never know. That does not encourage social comfort, it is stressful and tiring. The response is a demand for peace and space. Having said that, I do think that community and relationship is very important and perhaps ideal, rather than escape through solitude. Just thinking.
Posted by Matt @ 08/02/2001 03:32 PM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #5
I would strongly disagree that "living alone is unnatural." I think part of our success as a nation, and perhaps as a species, is that there is generally a balance between those who prefer living alone and those who prefer the greater social interaction that comes with cooperative living. These two lifestyles interact with one another in highly varied ways. In one model, the social web is maintained by those who prefer the latter, while the former can perhaps devote more of their energies to fields other than socializing (broadly construed). It would be risky, absent proof of some sort, to make a sweeping statement that "'living alone' is a recent phenomenon, our genes are not equipped for it, as they developed in an environment where we lived in groups." Those groups didn't necessarily live in the same dwelling. People have lived alone in various places throughout recorded time, with great variation due to harshness of environmental conditions, concerns about religious or political orthodoxy and any number of other factors. May I place a small side bet that Peter's conversational partner lives in San Francisco, which has a higher prevalence of apartment-dwellers and a dramatically higher incidence of non-married cohabitation than the U.S. as a whole, and higher even than other medium-sized cities?
Posted by Paul Kretkowski @ 08/03/2001 11:35 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #6
You suggest that the increase in people living alone over the last 60 years is directly related to the aging population. What about increases in wealth and the standard of living? I'd suggest that more people can afford to live than they could 60 years ago. Increasing transportation networks, telecommunications, and urbanization may also be significant factors. Central parts of Canada and the US are more thinly populated than the coasts. In these areas living alone may not have been wise (or even feasible) due to distance, economics, weather, etc. I'd echo the suggestion about "Bowling Alone." It's been on my list of must reads for a while.
Posted by Karl Fast @ 08/03/2001 04:11 PM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #7
Not a link, (sorry) but a comment:
It may be that not living alone is merely a habit and/or economic necessity. When I moved to my present home(1986), I sought a partner to share it with me. Found none I wanted to live with. Time passed. It gradually dawned on me:
This is really neat! if I want to go out for a late snack at~0300, No Problem. I don't have to explain, nor check out. I plan my life for me - not someone else's plan for me.
If I want to leave for a few daays - I lock up and go. And get back when I do. Not until. Sind I retired, (3 years ago), I now can sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, and not have to consider what anyone else's schedule for me may be. Highly recommended. Hard to break the lifelong habit of living with someone - but well worth it! Regards, JHR
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Posted by J H RICKETSON @ 08/04/2001 01:44 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #8
I hate living by myself. I bore myself silly.
Posted by Lane @ 08/05/2001 03:39 PM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #9
i think many people in cities (such as san francisco) end up living in group situations due to economic reasons (high rent, low apartment availability). i've lived in many different situations in the city, almost all with roomates or lovers, but the times i lived by myself have always been the most satisfying overall. i've found that living alone actually makes you more social, because you have to go out, seek, make, and cultivate your own social arena rather than relying on what's at hand in your living group which has been created by need rather than compatibility. ciao -- chandra
Posted by chandra @ 08/06/2001 02:02 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #10
Two months ago I broke up with my ex and she moved out of our apartment in San Francisco. Since then I've lived alone and have been praising the virtues of living alone. Echoing what JHR pointed out, you're totally free to do whatever you want. This is my first go at living alone, and is the first time I've actually spent enough time alone to find out who the hell I am as a person. Being only 21, I feel thankful that I was inadvertently thrown into a solo living situation. I pay a crazy amount for rent, but thankfully am able to afford it. In a town where everyone has a roomate, it feels great to be so young and have my own place on top of it. I believe everyone should live alone for a good amount of time at least once in their lives. I basically went through 2 months without a job, no friends, and a half empty apartment in a big, yet little, city. Thus I spent almost everyday alone. It was definitely a blessing in disguise. I'm happier, have more self confidence, am more motivated, and less shy than I have ever been. Of course landing a tech job in the bay area in this economy helped out a bit as well. I truly feel living alone forces you to discover who you are as a person. What you truly like, dislike, love, hate, etc. Don't knock living alone until you've tried it.
Posted by lucid @ 08/06/2001 03:19 PM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #11
My whole life (37 years), I have either lived with parents/family or a spouse. Living alone, therefore, seems like a magical, desirable thing to me. Whether I'm wired to live alone or in groups, I don't know, but I'm definitely wired to want what I ain't got.
Posted by JLP @ 08/09/2001 08:51 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #12
Back in the day, young men lived alone in the forest -- for a little while -- as a rite of manhood. They made contact with their totem animal, fasted, killed a lion with a pointed stick, whatever. This was great proof of their fitness -- they _could_ survive, if they had to. As Peter's original conversation partner in this topic, I think it's an important distinction to make. I agree with every one of you who feels that solo living strengthens the body, mind, and networking skill. Yes, it's a growth/discovery experience, like an acid trip or a death-defying climb up Everest, but that doesn't necessarily mean the human animal is designed to do it every day. Primitive folk didn't always live in the same dwelling, but they lived close enough to defend the group and share the work -- not so critical now cause we have large-scale economic and public service systems to worry about all that rot. For me, though, those instincts, selected by necessity ages ago, still shout to me every day. ...no Paul, I don't live in San Francisco, but most of the people I know who live alone do. In fact, it's very rare to find someone living alone in the smaller American cities I frequent -- where living together is less often a financial necessity. I betcha Matt is right and the solo desire is bred out of 700,000 people in 49 square miles -- another thing our genes forgot to read a memo about.
Posted by Trav @ 08/09/2001 08:25 PM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #13
Recently been sepearted from my wife, I have come to find the initial days hard to deal with since the seperation. It will be one year in March 2003 since she left me and in all honesty there are two scenerio's for me. 1- I have the ability to spen most of my time with my little girl teaching her all about life, from dad's perspective without having to be critized in the backdrop. I have grown spiritual in great ways and have come to know myslef once again which had lost hmself in the idea of making my wife happy every secind oof the day, when the day was over, it never was enough. I raise my little girl with great happiness that I have been found alone. Although she should have a mom and dad together is the prime situation, it will not be in this case because of her choices. 2 - I chose to remain alone because I take my wedding vows very seriously. I made a promise before God and to my wife. "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer etc..." I will remain faithful to my vows no matter what until the lord seperates us in life. It was never intended that we would be able to marry and leave if things got a bit rocky. The world has treadted the institution of marriage as a cracker jack license for temporary hapiness, and when little problems arise we leave for the next best thing. That is why this world is heading into the way it is. I chose to honor my role as a parent who will remain true to the promise, so that my children can grow up to see that a promise is a promise. Living alone is not all that bad like "Lucid" was speaking about. It does have it great perks, and until my wife sees that I am still true to the promise I made to her and she decides to return to make things work, I will continue to be alone and enjoy the learning experience of rediscovering myself as a person and great daddy. Mike
Posted by Mike @ 10/30/2002 09:06 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #14
Recently been sepearted from my wife, I have come to find the initial days hard to deal with since the seperation. It will be one year in March 2003 since she left me and in all honesty there are two scenerio's for me. 1- I have the ability to spen most of my time with my little girl teaching her all about life, from dad's perspective without having to be critized in the backdrop. I have grown spiritual in great ways and have come to know myslef once again which had lost hmself in the idea of making my wife happy every secind oof the day, when the day was over, it never was enough. I raise my little girl with great happiness that I have been found alone. Although she should have a mom and dad together is the prime situation, it will not be in this case because of her choices. 2 - I chose to remain alone because I take my wedding vows very seriously. I made a promise before God and to my wife. "In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer etc..." I will remain faithful to my vows no matter what until the lord seperates us in life. It was never intended that we would be able to marry and leave if things got a bit rocky. The world has treadted the institution of marriage as a cracker jack license for temporary hapiness, and when little problems arise we leave for the next best thing. That is why this world is heading into the way it is. I chose to honor my role as a parent who will remain true to the promise, so that my children can grow up to see that a promise is a promise. Living alone is not all that bad like "Lucid" was speaking about. It does have it great perks, and until my wife sees that I am still true to the promise I made to her and she decides to return to make things work, I will continue to be alone and enjoy the learning experience of rediscovering myself as a person and great daddy. Mike
Posted by Mike @ 10/30/2002 09:08 AM PST [link to this comment]
COMMENT #15
I hate having someone to answer to all the time.I hate taking consequences for other people's choices, I hate paying other people's bills, and finally I don't want to be responsible for other people's happiness or unhappiness.
Posted by Phil @ 12/29/2002 06:48 AM PST [link to this comment]
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